As you all know from my previous blogs, the past couple of years have been a bit of a journey for me, trying to alleviate stress and unnecessary negativity from my life. I've been training my brain demons like a new puppy to try and stop them from jumping up uninvited. Working really hard to always see or find a positive in every situation while trying to silence my 'demons.'
These 'demons' are something myself and a couple of friends have been discussing a lot recent;y. My little niggling monsters used to appear in my mind quite regularly, their triggers were everywhere! They would spin out of control telling me I was fat or out of shape on a regular basis, or they'd tell me I looked awful in every piece of clothing I tried on. They'd make me think that no-one would like me, or that I just generally wasn't good enough - at everything! It has taken some patience and time but I feel like I've finally managed to get them under control at the ripe age of 34. I feel like those evil voices are now on mute most of the time, however this week I have realised that my work on my demons is not quite complete, and I now know their strongest trigger - Audition!
Oh my goodness, where do I start? I feel like Im a person who has her shit together (most of the time) and I can finally say that Im Ok at this thing called 'adulating!' I have savings in the bank, I work hard and love what I do, but also feel like I finally have that all important work/life balance. Ive had a lovely couple of years in the career department, doing jobs and getting offers that for a long time I thought were well out of my reach. Im usually able to go into an audition room knowing what I am capable of and if I'm not right for the job, then thats OK. However... I have recently been auditioning for THAT show. You know the one, I think we all have it. The one that you've been seen for several times, often getting to the later stages but never being quite right enough to secure the offer. The one that you get all the positive feelings for, the one that you know you're capable of doing and that for some reason your gut won't let go of and your heart whispers, 'just try it one more time...' That show!
Audition one for said show was good. An all round positive experience, a recall that day and the first real test of my knee since coming back from my injury, or 'mechanical fault' as my physio likes me to refer to it. I left feeling optimistic and was thrilled with the progress of my knee and the new confidence I had dancing on it again....So far,so good. The recall was really pleasant too as far as auditions go. The panel were warm and chatty and worked with me in the room with different intentions and direction and again I left the room with a smile and that warm gut feeling that isn't arrogant but just lets you know you did well. Im a big believer in the ol' gut instinct! Now this blog is not about the outcome of the audition, but the way that glorious positive gut instinct managed to morph itself over a few days, regardless of the outcome, but all about the stories we make up and tell ourselves in our minds. Cue demons.....So, after a couple of days of not hearing anything they were rife. I mean really, they were attacking from every angle. It felt like they'd been suppressed for so long that they were now making up for lost time. Suddenly after months of being strong willed and in charge of my emotions I lost my grip for a little while and could see the spiral opening up below me. The voices were there, 'as if you thought you were gonna get a recall,' 'why did you even think they liked you, you idiot,' and 'theres no chance you're ever going to get that job, its never going to happen so you might as well just stop trying.' Why do we do it?!? Why do we let our demons take over and run riot? For a day or two, as much as I tried to keep myself distracted I just couldn't get a grip on them. Its ridiculous. I know i have all the tools I need to squash them into oblivion and yet I was allowing myself toast in a pity party and wasn't reaching for anything in my armoury.
Maybe I needed to wallow for those couple of days to be able to step back and take stock of how far I've come? (Theres always a lesson!) I actually used to let myself travel down that spiral after every single meeting or audition, questioning everything. How exhausting and what a waste of energy! I have been told several times in the past by people of influence that maybe I care too much, but I definitely don't see that as a negative. I do care, a lot, if i didn't I don't think Id still be putting myself through the ups and downs of our industry and I wouldn't still be striving and learning to try and better myself every day. I don't think Im wrong in thinking we should all be doing something we care a little bit too much about every day? Doesn't that just translate into being passionate about something? I love feeling passionate about something, it definitely makes my eyes shine a little bit brighter and gives me that fire in my belly. But there is the line of caring, and making sure not to put too much pressure on a situation, thats the difficult part!
So maybe THAT show will always make me feel this way? It obviously has a place in my heart that Im not ready to kick it out of just yet. I do love the show and the thought of being part of it would excite me beyond belief, but I have to make sure I love myself more. Im happy to say Im out of my funk after a couple of days, back to saying my gratitudes and feeling beyond happy with the lovely things and good energy in my life. The demons may not be completely gone but I know I can deal with them when they next make an unwelcome appearance. Even if I sit and let them wreak havoc for a day or two, I now know that I can overpower them. I hope if you have your own demons, that you know you are in control of them, and can always be stronger and louder than they are. Look out for the good things. The things that light you up and make you happy from the inside. My new favourite saying is 'You can't be grumpy while being grateful' and your demons will definitely have trouble raising their voices if you're seeing all of the positives around you.
Have a gorgeous, sunny and demon free weekend.