Hi….I have so much to apologise for and to thank you for, that I can’t quite pick a place to start. For years I haven’t given you the credit I should have and have stretched you to your limit in every way possible, and you’re still standing strong and fighting for me.
I cant tell you how sorry I am for really not caring about how you felt for so long. I was so angry that you were never ‘perfect’ that I ruined you even more, and yet there you were every day, still working so hard to try and prove yourself to me. Over and over I’d see you in the mirror looking back at me in ballet class, you were so vulnerable in just a leotard and tights, and I’d hate you so much. There was always something that wasn’t right and I’d blame you for everything, when in fact it was me, my insecurities and weaknesses that were to blame.
It has been a long slog, I know. Since the age of 12, you weren’t good enough. I was told that if you were a little bit thinner you’d be better and you and I would be able to achieve more. I have to tell you that at age 12, I loved you. You were letting me dance, you had long legs, pretty feet, a tiny waist and willowy arms – I had never questioned you before. But from that day I was programmed to think differently and that was it. You were like the discarded toy that Id grown out of and I didn’t want you anymore. My quest to make us perfect had begun. I really cant apologise enough and writing this I feel like you should have given up on me right there and then.
I sometimes think that if you were a human friend you would have disowned me. You would have walked away and never looked back, and I would have let you go and understood exactly why you were leaving. But to my absolute amazement, many years after our battle had begun you were still there, trying to be as strong as you could and letting me know that you weren’t going to let me down. No matter how much I challenged you, which I did more and more, you always delivered, and I never said thank you – I just pushed harder. I do wonder what we could have achieved together had I never started our tryst, but that’s something I’ll never know.
Today there are days that I am so proud of you! There are also still the days when I’m not completely comfortable and dislike you, but please bare with me because I am really trying and it may take some time. I do worry that your calmness and the way you never really reacted to my torture may come back to hurt me. I could beg and plead for you to not have brittle bones and be weak when I’m an old lady, but after all I’ve put you through, i have lost the right to ask.
For now i am going to treat you as if we’ve just met and I’m trying to make the best first impression. You can have those fresh fruit juices you love, and every now again the treats you crave! You can have lazy days as long as you meet me on the treadmill A few times a week just to put my roaming mind at rest. I am going to let you dance just because you love it, and because you know what, you look pretty good doing it! I’m going to try my best to hold my judgements when I see you in a mirror in class, or in a fitting room with bad lighting. I promise to put lovely clothes on you and to always appreciate you, because I have finally acknowledged that you’re mine and you’re awesome!